Counterfeit Monkey — 217 of 292

Emily Short

Release 5

Chapter 13 - The Umlaut Punch

[Because the player shouldn't stop having fun things just because it's late in the game. The anagramming gun was a pretty ambitious thing to add and brought in a lot of extra objects, but I wanted the Bureau basement to feel rich in possibilities even if I couldn't afford to make another half dozen genuinely useful objects. Hence the umlaut punch, which works, but just for a moment -- so there's no risk of it expanding the object trees.

Originally there was no gameplay value to the punch, but later when the generator room was introduced, I decided I wanted to include a power cord, and the power chord concept was born. ]

The description of the umlaut punch is "A very heavy, solid object manufactured in Stuttgart. A wire basket holds the item to be punched; two sharp metal tines descend into the basket at the moment of use." Understand "wire basket" or "basket" or "sharp" or "metal" or "tines" as the umlaut punch. The heft of the umlaut punch is 3. The umlaut punch is a container.

Understand "punch [something]" as umlaut-punching when the umlaut punch is visible.

umlaut-punching is an action applying to one thing.

Understand "punch [something] in/with [umlaut punch]" as inserting it into.

Sanity-check umlaut-punching:

try inserting the noun into the umlaut punch instead.

Check inserting a heavy thing into the umlaut punch:

say "[The noun] [is-are] far too substantial to fit into the wire basket." instead.

Check inserting something into the umlaut punch when the umlaut punch contains something (called the blockage):

say "[The blockage] [is-are] already in the wire basket, and it doesn't take two things at a time." instead.

Report inserting a strand into the umlaut punch:

say "[You] put [the noun] into the wire basket of the umlaut punch. There is a hum as the punch warms up, then a bang! as the tines come down sharply, tattooing [the noun].[paragraph break]";

say "For a moment [you] glimpse the teen girl band Haïr - starring Big Haïr, Scary Haïr, Bed Haïr, and Skyblue Haïr - whose big hit, 'You Got Me In Curlers (And I Liked It)', has unfortunately now dropped out of the charts.

But the effect fades almost instantly." instead.

Report inserting something into the umlaut punch:

say "[You] put [the noun] into the wire basket of the umlaut punch. There is a hum as the punch warms up, then a bang! as the tines come down sharply, tattooing [the noun].[paragraph break]";

let sample be indexed text;

let sample be "[noun]";

now sample is "[sample in lower case]";

let replacement made be false;

if sample matches the text "u":

replace the text "u" in sample with "ü";

now replacement made is true;

if sample matches the text "o" and replacement made is false:

replace the text "o" in sample with "ö";

now replacement made is true;

if sample matches the text "e" and replacement made is false:

replace the text "e" in sample with "ë";

now replacement made is true;

if sample matches the text "i" and replacement made is false:

replace the text "i" in sample with "ï";

now replacement made is true;

if sample matches the text "y" and replacement made is false:

replace the text "y" in sample with "ÿ";

now replacement made is true;

if sample matches the text "a" and replacement made is false:

replace the text "a" in sample with "ä";

now replacement made is true;

record "using the umlaut punch" as achieved;

say "Briefly [the noun] appears as the [one of]thrash[or]speed[or]art[or]death[or]power[or]progressive[or]folk[or]drone[or]Viking[or]cello[as decreasingly likely outcomes] metal band [sample in title case], before fading back to itself: there just isn't enough energy to hold the conversion, given [sample in title case][']s [one of]dismal[or]fading[or]weak[or]non-existent[at random] [one of]name-recognition[or]reputation[at random]. ";

comment on band quality of the noun;

if the power chord is not seen and the power cord is not seen:

move the power chord to the location;

say "[line break]When they are gone, [a power chord] remains in the air.";

stop the action.

To comment on band quality of (item - the honey pastry triangle):

say "Their use of tinkly percussion did not lift them to the heights they hoped for."

To comment on band quality of (item - the baklava):

say "The Greek-language cover of 'Don't Fear the Reaper' had less of a market than you might expect."

To comment on band quality of (item - the asparagus):

say "Their song 'Spears in Vinegar' was seventeen minutes too long to play on the radio.";

To comment on band quality of (item - the monocle):

say "Something to do with the quality of their debut album, Red Baron Suicide Deathwish (1983).";

To comment on band quality of (item - a vegetable):

say "The early popularity of '[one of]Leafy Greens[or]Hell's Garden[or]Harvest of Slaughter[or]Vegetable Vengeance[or]Blood on the Tree[at random]' was never matched again.";

To comment on the band quality of (item - an insect):

say "Their hit single 'Phosphorescent Beetle' is a classic, but none of their later work reached the same heights."

To comment on the band quality of (item - a bird):

say "Reviewers routinely complained of the flights of fancy in their lyrics, and the surrealism ultimately made it hard for listeners to relate to their work."

To comment on the band quality of (item - a pet):

say "Album covers featuring Siamese kittens and gerbils gave a misleading impression of the contents, and a lawsuit from distraught parents ended in bankruptcy for the band and its manager."

To comment on the band quality of (item - a sign):

say "In retrospect, the lead guitarist wished he'd gone along with the plan to name the band Ömen instead."

To comment on the band quality of (item - a hat):

say "Several of the backing players went on to much more successful careers in Mäd Hätters."

To comment on the band quality of (item - an oil):

say "The band wore out its welcome by coating several boxes at the Royal Albert Hall with unrefined crude during a closing spectacular."

To comment on band quality of (item - a thing):

say "[one of]They haven't been playing many clubs lately[or]They never really got out of their parents['] basement[or]The reunion tour wasn't a big success[at random]."

The power chord is an r-abstract noisy thing. "A power chord vibrates ominously in the air." The description of the power chord is "The chord [--] played as though by electric guitar [--] almost makes it sound as though heavy machinery is in use in here."

The introduction of the power chord is "Having a leftover like this is… unusual. A sign of spare reification energy in this area, maybe. Like radiation left over from some really high energy abstraction work."

Instead of listening to the power chord:

say "The repeated power chord makes it sound as though some heavy equipment is being used in here even when it's not."

Test chord with "tutorial off / autoupgrade / put asparagus in punch / wave h-remover at chord / x cord / x plug / wear goggles / x plug" in Equipment Archive holding the asparagus and goggles.