Counterfeit Monkey — 228 of 292

Emily Short

Release 5

Section 3 - C

The description of the cacao-nub-heap is "A conical heap about six inches high, made of bits of unprocessed cacao bean." Understand "nub" or "heap" or "cacao" as the cacao-nub-heap. The printed name of the cacao-nub-heap is "cacao nub heap". The cacao-nub-heap is edible. The scent-description of the cacao-nub-heap is "chocolate".

A cad is a man. The description of the cad is "He is dressed with careless elegance, as I would expect from a rake and betrayer of ladies. [one of]As [you] look in his direction, he smiles lazily.[or]His gaze smoulders.[or]He ignores you in a way that makes you long to know him better. I, on the other hand, am trying to roll our eyes.[or]He acknowledges our glance, then quite deliberately looks away. Do you really go for this stuff?[or]He looks us up and down as though calculating what exactly [you] look like under this modern attire.[as decreasingly likely outcomes]". Understand "gentleman" or "man" or "fellow" as the cad.

The scent-description of the cad is "old-fashioned cologne".

Rule for writing a topic sentence about the cad:

if a woman is mentionable:

say "[one of][The random mentionable woman] steals a glance at [the cad][or][The cad] is looking [the random mentionable woman] up and down with a quizzing glass[or][The random mentionable woman] is blushing furiously thanks to something [the cad] just said to her[or][The cad] and [the random mentionable woman] are whispering among themselves[or][The random mentionable woman] clears her throat pointedly and moves away from [the cad][cycling].";

otherwise:

say "A gentleman in regency dress lounges against the far wall: evidently, this is the cad produced by [the letter-remover]. "

[In a much, much earlier version of the game, there were puzzles involving making the cad and then ordering him to do things (first bribing him with a kiss). As the game progressed and the tone shifted, this bit of silliness came to seem out of place; and, worse, it became obvious that having dozens and dozens of possibly persuadable, action-taking NPCs would significantly complicate implementation. So all the persuasion rules were axed and there are no puzzles involving getting generated NPCs to do things, aside from the mechanic in the garage.]

[A persuasion rule for asking the cad to try doing something:

if the cad is amenable:

now the cad is disinclined;

say "'This one fav[our],' the cad allows. [run paragraph on]";

persuasion succeeds;

otherwise:

say "[one of]'I will try [--] and only try [--] anything you ask me,' he says, 'but only at the cost of a kiss.'[or]'You know the forfeit by now,' he says.[or]'I accept payments only in advance.'[or]He smiles meaningfully.[stopping]";

persuasion fails. ]

Instead of kissing the cad:

say "[one of]Summoning your courage and all my patience, [you] stand on tip-toes and kiss the gentleman. He returns the fav[our], with all the skill that his nature requires.

You, I can tell, are enjoying this. I on the other hand am going to have to gouge it out of my brain with a power drill later.[or]You repeat your earlier performance, while I do my level best to stop you.[stopping]".

Every turn when the player carries the cad:

move the cad to the location;

say "[The cad] turns out to be a tall and somewhat muscular gentleman, and [you] are unable to support him during the transformation; by the time it is done, he is more standing in our embrace than actually being carried by us. I take a hasty, embarrassed step back.

He smiles knowingly, but merely straightens his cuffs."

[Unsuccessful attempt by the cad trying doing something:

say "[one of]But [--] wouldn't you have expected it? [--] the cad is unable to fulfill his promise.[or][paragraph break]'I regret,' he says, with a bow, 'that I am unable to oblige.'[paragraph break]After trying for a moment, he says, 'Alas, I believe you have asked too great a fav[our].'[or][paragraph break]'This is harder than I expected,' he remarks after a moment. 'And insufficiently entertaining.'[or][paragraph break]'This is worse than the incident with Sally Jersey and her chambermaid,' he mutters under his breath, giving up.[as decreasingly likely outcomes]". ]

Instead of putting the restoration gel on the cad:

say "As you approach, he takes a step backward and fends you off with one (finely-boned yet manly) hand. [one of]'I think not,' he says, in a low voice that thrills you deeply. 'I never would allow a lady to apply an unknown liniment to my person.'[or]Apparently he hasn't changed his stance on unidentified substances.[stopping]".

Some camemberts are an edible thing. The description of the camemberts is "A whole stack of French camembert, which would be convenient if [you] were opening a black market deli, but may be hard to explain under other circumstances. Also not terribly portable." Understand "cheese" or "rind" as the camemberts. The heft of the camemberts is 10.

The scent-description of the camemberts is "cheese rind".

Sanity-check cutting the camembert:

say "A notch in the flesh of the nearest camemberts exposes the yellowish creamy interior." instead.

The camembert is an edible thing. The description of the camembert is "A rich, soft, creamy cheese with a white rind. This one isn't too runny yet." Understand "cheese" or "rind" as the camembert.

The scent-description of the camembert is "cheese rind".

Sanity-check cutting the camembert:

say "A notch in the flesh of the camembert exposes the yellowish creamy interior." instead.

The description of the cartage is "'Cartage' here takes the form of an invoice for the transport of farm products by cart."

The cassock is a floppy wearable thing. It covers the torso-area. The description is "An ankle-length robe of the most basic and severe black, the sort worn by priests of the more high-church denominations. It buttons down the front. In accordance with Atlantean traditions, white embroidery over the breast forms the letters A and Z."

Instead of rubbing a cat: say "I hear you can produce electricity that way, but I don't fancy being scratched in the attempt."

Sanity-check squeezing a cat:

say "What, to make it yodel? It seems a bit cruel." instead.

[A little nod to a related line in Curses:]

Sanity-check washing a cat:

say "I can tell you've never owned a cat." instead.

Sanity-check pushing or pulling or turning a cat:

say "[You] could do that, but cats are notoriously uncooperative about staying where put." instead.

Instead of smiling at a cat:

say "[You] smile. [The noun] regards us with steady disdain."

Instead of frowning at a cat:

say "[You] frown. [The noun] does not seem much abashed."

The cat-army is a cat. The printed name is "cat army". Understand "cat" or "army" as the cat-army. The heft of the cat-army is 10. The description is "There are dozens of them, and they move in curiously regimented, uncatlike ways, as though the big tabby at the front of the group really is their commanding officer."

The printed name of the cat-mayor is "cat mayor". Understand "cat" or "mayor" as the cat-mayor. The cat-mayor is a cat. The description of the cat-mayor is "Like an ordinary cat, only wearing tiny black leather boots and displaying, if possible, an even greater regard for its own dignity than the average feline." The cat-mayor wears tiny black leather boots.

The description of the tiny black leather boots is "They are the tall sort with cuffs that roll over."

Sanity-check wearing the tiny black leather boots:

say "They wouldn't fit."

The catnap is r-abstract. The description of the catnap is "Much like an ordinary nap, but smaller and... more cuddly, perhaps?"

The cate is an edible thing. The description is "Rarely found in the singular, a cate is something delicious: it comes from the same roots as 'caterer'. At any rate, this lovely little confection, with its layers of shiny-smooth chocolate and sliced strawberry and rum-soaked cake, its chocolate-shaving frills and piped cream, could have come from the best Paris [i]confiserie[/i]." Understand "confection" or "frills" or "chocolate-shaving" or "chocolate" or "strawberry" or "layers" or "layer" or "rum-soaked" or "cake" or "piped" as the cate. Understand "cream" as the cate when the cream is not visible.

Instead of tasting the cate:

say "[You] allow ourselves a lick of the lovely chocolate."

Instead of smelling the cate:

say "The aroma is faint but enticing: bright strawberries, dark chocolate, and a boozy base note of rum."

[Instead of eating the cate when the crate contains something:

say "Unable to restrain ourself, we eat two bites before remembering that there might well have been something in the crate: in which case, it would be foolish, possibly even dangerous, to consume the whole cate."]

[Instead of eating the cate:

say "It is so luscious that you barely bother to worry about Slango's possible reaction. But crates are not that expensive. No doubt he has plenty more where that came from. No problem at all." ]

The climate is r-abstract. The description of the climate is "A tight ball of weather icons, mostly depicting Sunny, Hazy, or Partly Cloudy days. Anglophone Atlantis doesn't get a lot of your more exotic weather, your snow and ice storms and hail." The heft of the climate is 0.

A cart is usually portable. A cart is usually pushable between rooms. The description of the cart is "It's one of those red metal carts that I would have liked very much when I was about five. All my friends had them."

The cardboard is floppy. The description of the cardboard is "A sheet of cardboard a little larger than a standard piece of paper. It's brown." The indefinite article is "some".

The initial appearance of a cat is "A cat wanders around the room."

The description of a cat is "Full-grown, American, and a little stupid, as felines go." Instead of touching a cat, say "It rubs itself pathetically against our hand." The heft of a cat is 3.

The scent-description of a cat is "clean animal".

[card]

[The aim here is to hint at an Atlantean tarot, focusing especially on cards that have something to do with the relationship of the state and the individual, or duality within the individual. Strength is traditionally shown as a young lady managing a tame lion, but there are no lions on Atlantis; whereas the squid is associated with Atlantean inventiveness and power but suggests tentacle porn as well; the squid is a subversive force. The figure of the Magician represents an All-Purpose Officer with his weird array of very special[ize]d tools; Justice is Atlantida herself, somewhat ironically.]

Card-style is a kind of value. Some card-styles are defined by the Table of Card-Styles.

Table of Card-Styles

card-stylearticleimage
Justice"""A woman in a blue dress sits on a throne. She carries a letter-remover in one hand and her eyes are blind-folded"
Chariot"the ""The vehicle is drawn by two prize horses, one black, one white. The driver appears to be having some difficulty keeping them together, to judge from the surly expression and the raised whip"
Magician"the ""A man stands over a table of delicate instruments: letter-razors, reversing mirrors, decapital[ization] disambiguators. He is putting on a performance, though we cannot see his audience"
Strength"""A young nude lady lounges in the embrace of a giant squid. They are apparently on very good terms"
Tower"the ""It represents the Tower of Babel being struck by lightning. The top of the tower is falling over, and terrified builders run in every direction. In Atlantean terms it is the end of the world"
Fool"the ""A shiftless young woman is carrying a loaded backpack, striding across a sunny landscape"
Twins"the ""They're male and female. A floating, sky-born figure above them is either choosing one or about to shoot one: it's hard to know what to make of the pointer or arrow it wields"
Temperance"""An official-looking man is operating a gigantic synthes[ize]r. Out of its bottom fall a flood of oxymoronic figures: a dwarf elephant, a giant mouse, a bittersweet cake."

The description of the card is "Not a playing card, as I might have expected, or a calling card, or even an index card, but a Tarot card, representing [article of (card-style of the card)][card-style of the card]. [image of the card-style of the card]." The heft of the card is 1. Understand "tarot" as the card. Rule for printing the name of the card while asking which do you mean: say "Tarot card".

The card has a card-style.

Understand the card-style property as describing the card.

The scent-description of the card is "crisp, snappy cardboard".

Carry out waving the letter-remover at something creating the card:

reset the card.

To reset the card:

if the bartender is visible:

if the card-style of the card is not Magician:

now the card-style of the card is Magician;

otherwise:

now the card-style of the card is Temperance;

otherwise if the Roundabout is not visited:

now the card-style of the card is Chariot;

otherwise:

now the card-style of the card is a random card-style which is not the card-style of the card.

Report waving the letter-remover device at something creating a seen card:

say "[The second noun] give[s] way to the [generated object]. This time it's [article of (card-style of the card)][card-style of the card]. [image of the card-style of the card]." instead.

The description of the carpet is "A substantial, rectangular rug of the sort on which Aladdin is typically seen flying. It has tasseled ends and a pattern that hints at Atlantis['] Moroccan connections." The heft of the carpet is 6.

Sanity-check launching or mounting or entering the carpet:

say "It may look like a flying carpet, but I don't think it's actually magic." instead.

The description of the carpi is "Small, irregularly-shaped bones, taken from the hand of a human skeleton. They look as though they ought to be used in divination; why else would anyone keep them around?"

[CD]

The description of the CD is "To judge by the label, it is one of King Crimson's longer works."

[cement porno knob]

The description of the cement porno knob is "Imagine, if you will, a pornographic film set on the grounds of an aristocratic estate.

Further imagine that among the hedges and flowerbeds there are various cement lawn decorations, but instead of the cupids and pineapples one might expect, these lawn decorations resemble a certain portion of the male anatomy.

This cement porno knob comes from just such a production. Other memorabilia are not included, and the Naughty Groundskeeper outfit is nowhere to be seen."

[chad]

The description of the chad is "It's one of those little pieces of paper punched out when you mark a ballot, which makes it small and nearly useless, except as a potent symbol of election fraud." The heft of the chad is 1.

The scent-description of the chad is "paper".

[char]

The description of a char is usually "It's a troutlike freshwater fish of the northern countries. It is dead, needless to say, and would make someone a nice supper if they knew how to clean and cook it. Our skills, however, are not up to the task." Understand "fish" as a char.

The scent-description of the char is "faint fishiness".

A char is edible.

Instead of eating a char:

say "I require my fish to be cleaned before I eat it, if not cooked."

Instead of smelling a char:

say "[You] have at least produced a fresh fish, rather than a rotten one: consider yourself lucky."

Understand "clean [char]" as a mistake ("I do not know a lot about the proper preparation of fish.").

Understand "cook [char]" as a mistake ("Even if you know how, there's no time for that now.").

The description of the charlie is "It's a quantity of very suspicious-looking white powder. Cocaine, I believe. Drug slang was never my strength." The charlie is illegal. The indefinite article of the charlie is "some".

Sanity-check smelling the charlie:

say "[You][']d prefer not to undergo this whole process while higher than a kite. We need our wits." instead.

Sanity-check cutting the charlie:

say "Odds are it's already cut with corn starch or baby powder or whatever it is they put into drugs to make up the weight." instead.

[chart]

The description of the chart is "A beautiful nautical chart depicting the harbor of Anglophone Atlantis, safest approaches, etc."

The charring is r-abstract. The indefinite article is "some". The heft of the charring is 0. The description is "It's formed like a little stick of kindling, blacked at one end as though used to light a larger fire; but it's an abstract, implausibly light, because it has to convey the idea of charring rather than a charred thing itself."

[chat]

A chat is usually noisy. The description of the chat is "It looks a little like a recording device, except that there are no on or off buttons and you have no way to control what it replays. It has a small screen and tinny speakers." The heft of a chat is 1. The chat is usually r-abstract.

Instead of listening to the chat:

say "Eerily, it plays back a little of our conversation the other day at the café."

The description of a chert is "It's a chunk of greyish rock which appears to have flaked off in layers. It looks as though there are some small fossils embedded in the stone." Understand "rock" as a chert when rock is not visible. Understand "stone" as chert.

A clack is an r-abstract noisy thing. The heft of the clack is 0. The description of the clack is "It's the sound of an old-fashioned train in motion."

Instead of listening to the clack:

say "The clack clacks and clackety-clacks to its heart's content.".

A cack is a thing. The indefinite article is "some". The description is "It's a soft-soled baby shoe. I know, I was expecting something else too.". The scent-description is "baby powder".

A click is an r-abstract noisy thing. The heft of the click is 0. The description of the click is "It's a sporadic, repetitive clicking noise as though someone were playing obsessively with a mechanical pencil."

Instead of listening to the click:

if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds:

say "The clicking noise [one of]continues[or]persists[or]is not abating[stopping].";

else:

let N be a random number between 1 and 5;

repeat with I running from 1 to N:

if a random chance of 1 in 2 succeeds:

say "CLICK ";

else:

say "CLICKETY ";

say "clicks the click."

[clock]

The clock has a time called the current time. The description of a clock is "It appears to be one of those archetypal alarm clocks that crows at sunrise and generally makes a nuisance of itself. It shows the time to be about [the current time to the nearest five minutes in words]."

Every turn:

increase the current time of the clock by one minute.

Understand "set [clock] to [time]" as setting it by time. Setting it by time is an action applying to one thing and one time.

Instead of setting the clock to something:

say "[The noun] can be set only to a time of day, such as 8:00 AM, or midnight."

Carry out setting a clock by time:

change the current time of the noun to the time understood.

Report setting a clock by time:

say "[You] set [the noun] to [time understood]."

A cluck is an r-abstract noisy thing. The heft of the cluck is 0. The description of the cluck is "Genuine barnyard stuff, it sounds like."

Instead of listening to the cluck:

say "'Cluck";

let N be a random number between 0 and 3;

repeat with I running from 1 to N:

say " cluck";

say "[one of]BACAW[or][at random]!' says the cluck.".

The chowder pro is a woman. The description of the chowder pro is "She's a proud Massachusetts chef, dressed in [a green apron] and ready to get to work, if only there were a kitchen for her."

The chowder pro wears a green apron. The description of the green apron is "Spattered with the lifejuice of clams."

The greeting of the chowder pro is "'Welcome to the show!' says the chowder pro brilliantly. Unclear what show that would be, of course."

[coasts]

Some coasts are a thing. The heft of the coasts is 12. The description is "A vast rocky coastline too large to fit in the present confines."

[cock]

The cock is a bird. It is noisy. The flexible appearance of the cock is "[if the cock is in the location]Wandering around nearby, for all the world as though this were a barnyard, is a large red-headed cock[otherwise]The cock [you] made earlier is regarding us suspiciously[end if]." The description of the cock is "It stares back at us malevolently through one eye." The heft of the cock is 3.

The scent-description of the cock is "something objectionable".

Instead of listening to the cock:

say "[one of]The cock clucks[or]The cock lets out a half-crow[at random]."

Test cockbug with "autoupgrade / wave l-remover at clock / open tub / gel cock" holding the clock and the tub.

The cockpit is a thing. The heft of the cockpit is 10. The description is "It's a tiny room lined on every surface with buttons and instrument readouts and warning signs, altimeters and radios and all sorts of other gadgets I don't recognize." Understand "buttons" and "readouts" and "instrument" and "warning" and "signs" and "altimeters" and "radios" and "gadgets" and "button" and "readout" and "sign" and "altimeter" and "radio" and "gadget" as the cockpit.

The cock-ring is a wearable thing. The printed name is "cock ring". The cock-ring is naughty-sounding. The description is "A sturdy ring of black rubber[one of]. Which reminds me [--] never mind[or]. And no, I'm not going to tell you about that memory[or]. Stop prying[stopping]." Understand "cock" or "ring" as cock-ring.

Sanity-check wearing the cock-ring:

say "Er. Our combined physique doesn't allow for a place to put that." instead.

[My beta-tester Sam Kabo Ashwell is responsible for the inclusion of this nauseating substance, for which he helpfully provided the following recipe:

'Take 10 gallons of ale and a large cock, the older the better; parboil the cock, flay him, and stamp him in a stone mortar until his bones are broken (you must gut him when you flay him). Then, put the cock into two quarts of sack, and put to it five pounds of raisins of the sun-stoned; some blades of mace, and a few cloves. Put all these into a canvas bag, and a little before you find the ale has been working, put the bag and ale together in vessel. In a week or nine days bottle it up, fill the bottle just above the neck and give it the same time to ripen as other ale.']

The cock-ale is a contained edible fluid thing. The printed name is "cock ale". Understand "cock" or "ale" or "feather" or "parboiled" or "meaty" or "meat" as the cock-ale. The description is "A medieval style of ale which has been flavored with parboiled rooster. Is that a bit of feather? I think it might be." The scent-description of cock-ale is "meaty hops".

Sanity-check tasting cock-ale:

say "Are you insane?" instead.

The description of a cod is "There's about twelve pounds of fish-and-chips-in-waiting here [--] it's actually materialized as fillets rather than the fish itself, which is some indication of how Atlanteans think about cod, when they can get it. Overfishing, you know."

The code is scenery. The description of the code is "A bit of paper on which is written '305.'" Understand "bit" or "paper" or "bit of paper" or "numbers" or "number" as the code.

The heft of the complicit shark is 10. The description of complicit shark is "It's dead, naturally. And a shark carcass is a large and unwieldy sort of thing to have lying around. There's a gash in one side that must have notionally killed it. Is the shark complicit in its own death? Or was there some other bit of shark-cooperation at work here? Hard to tell."

The scent-description of the complicit shark is "rotting fish".

Understand "gash" as the complicit shark.

The conference-poser is a woman. The printed name is "conference poser". Understand "conference" or "poser" as the conference-poser. "The conference poser stands in the corner, cultivating an expression of keen intellectual skepticism." The description of the conference-poser is "She looks back at us with a martial gleam of the eye, willing us to be impressed by her.".

The greeting of the conference-poser is "The conference poser looks at us a little hazily and says, 'Oh, yes, didn't we meet at the [one of]Linguistics and Empire[or]Post-Colonial Consonants[or]Concept Formation Through Hiphop[or]Ecologically Responsible Linguistics[at random] [one of]symposium[or]workshop[or]conference[at random] in [one of]San Diego[or]Austin[or]Minsk[or]Liverpool[or]Lampeter[or]Montreal[or]Cologne[at random] [one of]last year[or]last winter[or]back in [a random number between 1995 and 2009][at random]?'"

Every turn when the conference-poser is in the location:

say "[The conference-poser] says, '[one of]Yes, but we haven't really [i]problemat[ize]d[/i] [the random visible thing][or]I think a [one of]Marxist[or]Keynesian[or]Lacanian[or]Saussurian[or]Derridean[at random] understanding of [the random visible thing] is not, indeed cannot be, useful to us at this juncture[or]Statistical sentence analysis of a sufficient corpus of materials ought to reveal the likeliest forms for [a random r-abstract thing][or]What we have not considered is the possibility of synonym shame, for instance with words such as [i]donkey[/i] or [i]rooster[/i][or]My field is the study of hispanogerontology, the illicit practice of giving seniors a new lease on life by turning them into Senors[at random].'"

The description of the cord is "It's a thin glittery red cord of the kind used to tie up Christmas packages."

A dangerous construction rule for the cord:

if the power chord is not seen:

let loc be the holder of the cord;

remove the cord from play;

move the power cord to loc;

now the printed name of power cord is "cord".

Test cordalt with "tutorial off/ autoupgrade / switch switch / put card in bucket / put curd in bucket / get cord / x cord / w / plug in dais / unplug cord / get cord / e / put cord in umlaut punch" holding the card and the umlaut punch in the Generator room.

Test cordalt2 with "tutorial off/ autoupgrade / put card in umlaut punch / get chord / switch switch / put card in bucket / put curd in bucket / get cord / x cord / wave h-remover at chord / w / plug in dais / unplug dais / e / put cord in umlaut punch" holding the card and the umlaut punch in the Generator room.

The heft of the cork is 1. The description of the cork is "One end is deep maroon from having been in a wine bottle for a time. On the side is stamped the logo of an Atlantean vintner."

A cot is usually not fixed in place. The description of a cot is usually "A portable bed, made up for sleeping." The heft of the cot is usually 4. A cot is usually long.

Test cotheft with "put coat in bucket / wave a-remover at coat / x cot / take cot" holding the coat in Generator Room.

The counter-alternate is a furniture counter. Understand "counter" as the counter-alternate. The printed name is "counter". The description is "It's formica-topped and suitable for a kitchen that hasn't been renovated in some years."

The description of the counterweight is "A very substantial hunk of metal with a ring at the top end, suitable for attachment to a hook or rope." The heft of the counterweight is 3. Understand "weight" as the counterweight.

The description of the countertop is "The result is a slab of good black granite, shiny and easy to clean, with a pre-cut hole, probably where a kitchen sink would be meant for installation." The heft of the countertop is 8.

The cratering is r-abstract. The indefinite article is "some". The heft is 0. The description is "It's an image, light as air, of the moon and the craters on it."

The crew-group is a privately-named plural-named person. The description of the crew-group is "Five (or six? it's extremely hard to count) swarthy sailors. They look buff and burly and have very thick eyebrows." The heft of the crew-group is 6. The printed name of the crew-group is "crew". Understand "crew" as the crew-group.

[Persuasion rule for asking the crew-group to try doing something:

rule succeeds.]

The description of the cross is "It's handsome, made of metal, the sort of thing that might adorn a church altar; I don't have the expertise to say whether it's especially valuable."

The description of the crossbar is "[description of the crosspiece]".

The heft of the crosshair is 0. The crosshair is r-abstract. The description of the crosshair is "It's the vertical line from crosshairs; the horizontal line is missing, which makes it even less useful than disembodied crosshairs otherwise would be."

The crosspiece is a long thing. The description of the crosspiece is "A sturdy metal piece for bracing... something. The rest of the object is omitted."

The description of the crow rod is "This is so odd a thing that nothing but the high power of the anagramming gun could have produced it. It is a metal rod, about a me[ter] long, with a stamped metal crow shape at the end. I'm not sure whether it's meant to resemble a weather vane or a magic wand, but honestly it doesn't seem quite suited to either of those purposes."

The description of a CRT is "A rather generic computer monitor, or possibly television; it isn't equipped with much more than the ability to turn on and off[if the crt is switched on]. At the moment it is displaying [one of]a Red Sox game[or]the moon landing[or]the Mary Tyler Moore show[or]back episodes of Smallville[purely at random][end if]."

Instead of listening to a CRT:

say "The CRT issues the sounds of [one of]cheering baseball fans[or]blaring theme music[or]a dramatic explosion[or]tinny laughter[at random]."

Carry out switching on a CRT:

now the noun is noisy.

Carry out switching off a CRT:

now the noun is quiet.

The description of the crumb is "It's just one tiny little flake from a croissant or pastry."

The description of the cud is "It's best not to look too closely.". The scent-description is "grassy manure".

The curd is edible. The description of the curd is "A soft white clump of cheese substance."

The description of the cut is "A rough oval of skin, on which there's a visible cut — nothing serious, something on the order of a paper cut."

The curse advertisement is a fixed in place thing. The description is "It's an ad of the kind you sometimes find in the back of underground newspapers, offering to take off the rude-object restrictions off a letter-remover, 'for private home use only.'"